Tuesday, September 1, 2009
I love a little boy in Africa.
I love him so much, sometimes it makes me want to cry. or vomit.
But I've been trying not to love him so. He will never be mine. He has never been mine. I may never see him again.
But last night God played a cruel joke on me and put him in my dreams. I dreamed i returned to Kenya and got to see my orphans (though none of them were three years older now as they should be). I've had dreams of Daniel numerous numerous times in the past 4 years since i've met him. And whenever i go to Africa to finally be with him and be reunited (in my dreams) he either hates my guts or is ecstatically happy. But last night was worse - he had forgotten me completely.
I woke upset. Though I don't think i was sad because he had forgotten me. That was a painful thing to encounter in my dream, but as i was sitting there holding him and smelling his earthy little boy smell and seeing his chapped, chubby cheeks i knew that everything would be fine because i finally had him again. We could begin a new future. We were together again. But then i woke and all of that was taken from underneath me. and I'm still upset, i can't quite push it out of my heart. But really, if he has forgotten me, which i'm sure he has - i left him when he was so young - it really is better for him anyway.
But i will never forget him.