Tuesday, September 22, 2009

I love writing. Ever since i was a little girl and wrote sillies in my journal every night by flashlight, I've loved it. In college i more seriously contemplated being a writer. So i changed my major (for the 18th time) to English. I took a creative writing class and absolutely loved it, but realized that I wasn't that good, and that the peer critiques were too painful. So I gave up and decided to study literature, which is the opposite of writing. (Well, if there could be an opposite of writing your own words, wouldn't it be reading others'?) And i loved it.

I've had an opportunity to write something significant. And i didn't take it. I didn't want to be labeled by what it was they wanted me to write. Like Stephanie Meyer, for instance, could write something amazing and heartfelt about motherhood, or about God, or about children sold into prostitution. But we would never remember. To us, she is Twilight. And Joshua Harris will never move beyond I Kissed Dating Goodbye, no matter how many books he writes about marriage and ministry. And the opportunity I had was a wonderful one, and one that i used to regret declining. But now i see my friends who had similar opportunities (and took them) whose entire lives are traveling and speaking and writing about the Columbine shooting. And although they are touching lives and they love what they are doing, I'm glad that I said no to the opportunity.

That was confirmed the day that Steve (my patient and amazing editor) told me that if i wasn't going to put out a draft, then i could at least write a book review, he said, "as a Columbine survivor". Which sealed the deal for me: no deal. And i don't regret it. Though at times I have imagined how much easier my life could be if i had taken him up on the amazing opportunity - we would have more money, at least enough that i don't have to work two jobs, maybe a few kids by now, and I think i would really love a life of writing. But, then i would be someone I didn't really want to be. At least now, I can approach the world as completely me. Not as a "Columbine survivor".

But i stopped writing well awhile ago. I was reading our blog from Africa and realized that I used to just pour my heart into those posts. And now I don't. I think realizing the number of people that read my blog made me want to filter my words a bit more. And I don't want to waste your time with my thoughts - you really just want to see the pictures and the happenings so we can stay in touch, right? But maybe I need this blog to be more than that now. And i'm sorry to you. If you are committed to reading this, you should at least get to read something decent. Something thought provoking, or at least enjoyable. I just worry that i get corny or long-winded. I don't promise that this will change. But i'll try. I'll use this as an avenue to challenge myself and enjoy myself in my writing instead of just giving you the nitty-gritty daily stuff. Maybe some more stories? Maybe some more thoughts? Maybe a little more heart? I seriously do appreciate your time in reading my blog - i know that there are many many better blogs out there, and yet you're reading this right now.

So i want to make this worth your while. And i want to make it worth mine as well. Maybe we can enjoy this together.


doons said...

maybe the opposite of writing your own words is "someone else's words writing you". or not.

people should read your blog as a means to knowing you better, not to get daily happenings and pictures. that is [unfortunately] what the [ultra-lame] facebook/myspace/tritter phenomenon is all about.

spill your heart.

Kristen said...

I love blogging because it is a type of journal for me. So don't worry about who is reading it- we all have different thoughts and opinions, but it doesn't mean you shouldn't share yours.
If you are writing your blog for others to know you, then be willing to share more about yourself.
I have also thought a lot about what life would be if I were one of those who went around talking about Columbine and I like my simple life. Plus I think that we can have just as much if not more influence in quiet ways.
It has been so fun reading your blog these past few months, I feel that an old friendship has been rekindled and I love it!
So go crazy and write whatever you want. :)
Oh and I watched that documentary last night online- and loved it! It was incredible.

Anna said...

I'm completely addicted to your blog and the ones I love most are the ones where you share more of you. I'm with Landon. Spill your heart. It always leads me to call you and talk more about life!

Erin said...

The stories of your life will continue to unfold. Just keep writing your blog however you choose to do it. Blogs seem to find their own rhythm. Sometimes it is for you, sometimes it is for the reader. Your blog is great.

Sara said...

I concur, I like it when you share your thoughts on life. I think being busy (and not having a lot of close friends near by) makes me most miss deep conversations over coffee with people...so reading your blog in some way helps with that...its like online coffee shop discussions :) Also, let us know other good movies you find on net flix, our cue is pretty long with random documentaries, foreign films and others, but if you find good ones we'd love to hear about them!

Hannah said...

thanks for your sweet encouragement, friends!