Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Dear Diary...

I've been journaling since i was 7. My first diary was tiny with lined paper, keyed lock, covered in balloons. I used to capture my days in a simple list of things that i did and began every entry with "Dear Diary". I'm not sure what got me into journal writing - that first diary was probably some silly birthday present that most kids never touch but for me hid my most private treasures: "dear diary, today i went to grama's, piano lesins, soccer praktis, playd barbies, and ate cake. Love, Hannah Lacy". pretty intense stuff right there.

I've compiled MANY journals throughout the 18 years since then. Some have been unique: letters to my future husband, paintings, a book of blessings, prayers, letters to people (alive and dead) that had left me and i missed terribly. For some reason i've kept every one. Landon had read some of them in an attempt in knowing me better before he thought to propose. i let him read them - can you believe that? And what's even more unbelievable is that after reading these thousands of pages worth of my daily mundane life (and deepest secrets), he decided it would be best to marry me. Ha! He's great.

As a Christian, journal writing has been a beautiful discipline and joy in my life. I have been able to meet God within those pages in such a deep and unique way - so different than anywhere else. One of my favorite things about journal writing is reading what i've written years before. It's been amazing going through old journals and seeing how God was working in my life. He is always cultivating in me to be a woman of remembrance. After we got back from kenya, i realized that LONG before i had entertained the thought of being a missionary in africa, i had recorded in my journal dreams that i had where africans were telling me how i needed to bring Landon to africa - and quick. How amazing! I have also seen so many answered prayers. Reading old journals, I am amazed at the strength that God had given me to endure some of the challenges in my life and i learn from my once child-like faith. In my journals i paste birthday cards that i have received, autumn leaves, flower petals, ticket stubs, guitar picks, or whatever else that was a treasure to me at that time (and remotely flat).

I am so grateful that i can look back through my life and see God's hand in each day. Even in conversations and dreams and challenges that i struggled through at the time - he knew the greater picture - he was always carefully and lovingly working. I trust that though i have entered a season of my life where i am sometimes tired, lonely, and confused, God is with me and molding me despite my sometimes crummy attitude and selfishness.

Our God is truly an awesome God!

Last October i was frantic, hopping from one ACSI convention to the next and working at 4am all of the days in between. I was being pulled in every direction except where i really wanted to be - home. I would sit in airports and it never failed that my departing gate was right next to a gate going to Denver. Once i finally arrived to Chicago O'Hare, i would take the shuttle to the car lot and drive North on a dark and busy highway beside the Chicago sky line. And when i finally drove into our gravel drive and turned off the ignition, i would look at the clock and realize i had to be at starbucks in 5 hours. And i would just sit there and cry and cry and hope that Landon was too busy studying to notice that i was home.

Somehow i have been tremendously blessed through my broken ankle in many ways these past few months. Though i am traveling 10 days this month to conventions around the country, i am not cramming them in between 4am mornings and sleepless nights. And when i come home to Gurnee, i actually feel like i'm coming home. My mind is not constantly in the mountains (not constantly).

If you have read this far, thank you. Maybe you want to share where you were last October? I know many of you didn't have those precious babies at your boobies last year - i bet that makes life a whole lot different!


Alex said...

What's up haninator? I hope you are doing well. Nicole had your blog up and I thought I'd comment on yours for once. I hope that you are healing and recovering well. Also, I'm jealous of your mad journal-ing skills, I've tried it but the journal has never taken for me on the day to day. Maybe I'll be inspired and give it another go.



Sara said...

Hannah, I just love reading your blogs. They are always inspiring, encouraging and always so heartfelt. I am excited to see you sometime in the next few months when I am up your way. I'll still email you my schedule sometime soon as I am also trying to figure out some of it. Miss ya!

Lindsey said...

no babies on my boobies!

Anna said...

Last October I was returning back to work and totally in a frenzy of just how it was all going to work out and me not go crazy. Luckily, JP stepped up to the plate and managed to get us in to the car in the mornings and have dinner waiting for us when we got home. What a tremendous blessing that was. My dinners now aren't even close to as good. But there's still time to get good at it I guess. I love this post. I learned so much about you. It's no surprise that you are a journaler. Look at your blog! You have the personality that makes one want to curl up and get comfy next to. I often leave the post encouraged to slow down at life, breathe deeply and soak up those things that I love the most (and not to mention, wish I lived closer...well you lived closer;) ). I can't wait to see y'all again.

H. McBrayer said...

thanks for your sweet comments, all. miss you guys - wished i could be in CO with you!! (and wish you could be there too, Sara!)