Tuesday, September 23, 2008
aaah! there's this thing that i can never articulate in speech or write. it's so frustrating... but this is it: I want to live well, but i don't want to live the life that everyone else lives and expects of us. i don't understand why i can't just move into the mountains and work at an ice cream shop or something, where i make only enough to make our life possible... we could do this, right? I WANT TO LIVE WILD - I WANT TO BE FREE!!! and i tell myself that this is childish - but...no, it's not! who is it that put this burden in my mind? it's not childish to want to live freely and completely. I want to have my children and have them able to distinguish birds and trees before fast-food chains. i want the world to slow when the snow comes. I want to wake in the morning and go for a jog through the woods and then come home and drink a cup of coffee over a book of poetry. I want to go to sleep at night without planning my agenda for work the next day.
I feel so trapped. wow, i hate to say that, but that's exactly it. And it's not my job entirely that has me feeling this way. I have a PRECIOUS ministry with my job, which is such a blessing - not many people get spend 8 hours a day like this! i want to be able to leave with our camp gear on our backs when we're done with a work day and spend the night in the woods. i want to leave for an entire day and light a fire and eat wild raspberries and put my feet into a freezing mountain stream. i want to be so alone in the wild - with just my husband and my duvi-boy.
the longer we're here, the more i like it, and that simple fact terrifies me. may i never feel comfortable living like this.
we were talking yesterday - can't we just pack our stuff into a storage unit and move to alaska for 6 months once landon's done with school? why is it "responsible" to work at a job that stresses you out and determines when and where you can enjoy your time off? do we seriously have to "settle down" for my child-bearing years? why does "responsibility" require acquiring money? I know that most people that love us are hoping that this is where our future is headed - financial success and "responsibility". Landon has never pursued higher education for a larger pay-check - it has always been for knowledge. it has always been to satisfy his heart desires and pursue what he thinks is most important in this life.
i hope we always will live like that - these few years here are driving me crazy - this is not us - we can't live like this. we need wilderness, we need to be free from traffic and neighborhoods and shopping centers. oh, please, will someone tell me that this is not crazy or childish? is this making any sense at all?
and i read over this and noticed that i never mentioned God's will here, and honestly, i don't know where that fits. I mean, i know that God is glorified when our lives are lived in worship of him. I know that he has plans for us, but just because he has "plans" doesn't automatically mean that they are plans of "significance" as you would think of them. Reading L'Abri has brought to light a ministry that is one that i never considered, but has been so impactful. Landon talks about opening a "camp" in the mountains for seeking God and growing in knowledge through adventure and outdoors. He still wants to pursue his education. I want to be a mother more than anything else right now. And i wonder when people tell us that we must have certain things in line before we start a family - i'm afraid they're right. but just because they were "practical" in their childbearing, does not mean that i must be their kind of "practical" in mine. A family is a family with or without a 2-story house and a 401K. I would hate for my children to grow up with their favorite hobby being spending money or watching television. Not with this beautiful world that screams God's glory and power surrounding us.
And many people warned us when we wanted to get married. That we were too young. We had no money saved. I wasn't out of school yet. Neither of us had jobs. We were going into the mission field for a year and we had just gotten married. This would be too hard. This was not wise. AND GOD HAS BLESSED US tremendously in our marriage, and in our ministry in Africa. He has always provided beyond abundantly for us. We have never been in need or want. Whatever it was that everyone else said - they had never considered what God had in store, they had not considered that we were not so foolish and we had spent time in prayer and fasting and could not live our lives and serve God in any other way at that time. We were living in obedience. God blessed us. And we ARE blessed!
I'm uncertain of how to live.