Monday, February 22, 2010

For the first time in a few years I feel like I'm me. Like I'm living my own life again.

Maybe it's because I'm over the self-pity (so destructive, you know?!) and 3am mornings, maybe it's because Landon is finally in a PhD program which shows a not-so-close but fairly tangible end in sight to his marathon education., or maybe it's because i'm living with the mountains again.

I am elated. For the first time in years I am spending my evenings doing things that are actually me: crafting, making music, baking, reading, watching movies, etc...

 I don't feel like a slave in the kitchen, but I have found that cooking dinner with a beer is a wonderful transition between work and home (which is sometime hard to distinguish when work is at home). I haven't done the dreaded dishes in weeks, as Landon does them each night and the dishwasher takes care of everything else.

Every weekend (and often days in between) i am enjoying the wild here: hiking, rock climbing, SKIING! And it makes the work days within the fun days much easier.

For the first time in years I am not aching over the child that isn't mine. I no longer think upon my little Danieli with aching and hurting but more with fond remembrance. And the children that Landon and I have not had the opportunity to conceive do not plague me. I used to cry with each period - another chance lost - the ticking clock in such a graphic reminder each month. But lately I am realizing how delightful this season is: the childless season. I am enjoying my relaxing evenings and fun-filled weekends. I am enjoying the selfishness that I am free to indulge when I am not the caretaker of anyone but me. And I am utterly amazed that I have found this attitude without even searching for it. I am happy right now without a child. It's something that I didn't think I would be able to say. I just thought the longing would hurt me until God gave us a baby. But that is not the case.

Landon continues to wow me. And I wonder how we can still make each other laugh at a regular basis - I would think that one would predict the other pretty easily these days. We do that too.

I don't feel like I am just trying to keep us afloat in our life any more. We are not sinking. Sometimes the responsibility of being the only financial provider in our family is a scary burden, especially as I will soon be laid off of my job, but it's not too heavy yet.

And i'm so grateful for the loving perseverance from my husband. And from God. Unconditional love is an amazing thing to live within. It is freeing and compelling and healing and inspiring.


Lindsey said...

This makes me happy :)

Brooke Hereth said...

stupid period! they always ruin everything :) love the picture! cooking with beer huh? you will get that child one day, hopefully close, and you will praise him/her! good luck on conceiving!

Lindsay Schneck said...

i am tearing up reading this post. i would hug you if i could ever see you in person :) so glad that you are "embracing the sacred present" as my women's ministry leader likes to say. it is so hard to do, but so joyful and fulfilling when we manage it!