missing kenya

Today on Facebook i joined a group called "Limuru Children Centre".

Here there are a few pictures of our sweet orphans at the orphanage. Though, they are all from the last few years. I am jealous of the many people who have spent days holding the sweet orphans and knowing them while i just missed them and cried over them. Though, i am grateful that God continues to send people there to love the children. Because so far, he has not enabled us to go back.
my little orphans

Last night i had a dream about the ophanage. In my dream i was in africa (it was more the size of a neighborhood than a continuent) with my friend Courtney, who was a missionary in South Africa for a few years. I just left her and ran and ran and ran for a long time until i can upon the orphanage. It was the middle of the night but i missed the children so desperately, i didn't care. I opened the door to the girl's dorm and turned on the light. I saw my beautiful orphans, but now they were so much older. but they did not forget me. In my dream they suffocated me with hugs and i just cried and kissed them. They had grown to know english more and were asking me questions and were so happy to have me back. And i woke happy, and then unsettled.

I miss them desperately. I wish i knew the older girls as teenagers now. I spent this evening reading our blog from our year there and i have been near to tears all night. i still feel a terrible guilt about living with them and loving them that year and then one day just leaving. i give myself too much credit, i doubt they remember me, i doubt they are still hurting from my abandonment of them. yet, i think that at the time, leaving was the worst thing i could have done. and i am still sorry that they are always being left behind.