Thursday, April 16, 2009

every body needs a...


Every morning when i get on my computer before i start working with ACSI i "connect" with you. And i've noticed how i check my favorite sites in the same order every single time: check email, then read your blogs, then see what's new on facebook. this takes me between 5 minutes to an hour depending on how exciting your lives are.

Landon thinks that my time sitting here alone feeling like i'm connecting to friends when really i haven't seen many of you for years or at least since Christmas is silly. but i've been thinking about it, and talking about with anna and others and realize that men and women (or at least landon and i) are just different in our social needs.

i thought that when we moved out here Landon would find our friends for us - since i was working mostly from home and he was the one interacting with people our age in our season of life with similar beliefs and values (Christ, education, etc...). i'm not sure why i expected him to just bring home amazing and interesting men WITH their wives so that my social needs would be fulfilled. beyond this probably not being realistic in general, this is just NOT Landon. it took me awhile to figure out that he actually wasn't going to bring an amazing couple through our front door.

and we've talked about this recently - we were talking about how i really have no friends. "you have no friends here either," i said. but for Landon that is not really a desire or a need. He is in touch with old friends via email and phone and a mutual love in their hearts, i guess. i'm much more high maintenance. the need for a friend to be PRESENT in my life is overwhelming. though i don't really have DEEP friendships here in illinois, God has really blessed me with some women that i have grown to love, even if we don't have much in common or really understand each other on a deep level. it's enough to have their love and to have them present.

but most of you, the commonalities go deeper, and further back. we have history. we have future (i'm HOPING!) but we don't really have PRESENT. and that's okay. really, beyond loving you and treasuring you, i NEED you. even now. this is okay, for now. reading your blogs, giving you a thumbs up on your facebook status (ha!) and calling you rarely and seeing you even less... as long as we know that there are thougths and love between us. i can handle seeing you at Christmas or more or less. and it wasn't always like this, was it? we used to be together almost every day. though, as i think of this, there are a few of you whom i realize i actually have never met (and that realization is crazy to me - i feel like i know you!). but i'll be in colorado soon and we'll have to hook up. but you are my best friends' friend and now mine through blogs and whatever else and because of who you are to her and who you have become to me, you are dear also.

i'm not sure where this is going. i just realize that right now in this season of my life when i feel so alone and isolated the communication between us via this Internet is so precious and so necessary in my life. it seems pathetic from the outside, but to me, it is just essential.

on another note, to bring us closer together via the internet but with actual verbal and visual interaction, i want to share our skype address: lhmcbrayer. give us a call!

6 comments:

em said...

i have dearly loved getting to know you through 'the internet'...hoping we get to meet face to face someday :) have a great end of your week.
p.s. i'm going to my 2nd interview with starbucks on monday. i might be doing the 3:30am thing with you before i know it-yikes!

Hannah said...

good luck, emily!

Kristen said...

Hannah, I know we really haven't been super close in a while, but it really has been fun for me to read your blogs and get to know you more. I feel the same way where we are living and this point in our life. And I know I've been married a lot less, but it is so hard for me to meet married friends! :) thanks for your blog.

Lindsey said...

You will love her and adore her just as I do!

aaron said...

I agree... it is so interesting how technology has changed a lot of how we communicate. I had been thinking about that a lot since sara was out for a bit, too. I know we both love to read everyone's blogs.

A n A Jardon said...

hannah... i have been thinking and feeling the exact same things as you were describing in this blog... we have had such a hard time in arizona meeting friends and especially friends in a similar stage of life as us, it feels soooo lonely out here... we just got back from a trip to colorado and it was unbelievable how uplifting and refreshing it was to see familiar faces with those we have history with... thanks for describing so perfectly what so many people feel!