Sunday I accidentally cut Gillian while I was trimming her finger nails. I have done this before. This time it didn't bother her at all; she didn't even flinch. But it was on the thumb of her left hand, so everything she touched got blood on it. My kid and her toys were covered in little red streaks and spots. Gosh, it killed me to see her smiling back at me with blood on her nose and lips and cheeks as she tried to force her entire fist into her perfect itty bitty mouth.
And she has had a hard time falling asleep these last few days (read screaming for 2 hours during nap time) because she always sucks on her left thumb to soothe herself to sleep and right now it just hurts too much to suck and upsets her even more than her exhaustion already has. And I know it is all my fault for my carelessness and it makes me sad.
On Sunday, when realized I had cut her I told her, "Baby, I am so sorry, but I had to cut your fingernails so you won't cut yourself."
The irony in that sentence hit me.
And I realized that this is why I do a lot of things that hurt her - so that she won't get hurt. Ha!
I clasp her into her backpack so she doesn't fall out and crack her head open, but I pinch her skin in the process.
I let strangers give her immunizations so that she doesn't get sick later, even though she is in pain in that moment and is sore all the next day.
And thinking of this has made me wonder what pains God must inflict in my life in order to protect me from a greater pain (not inflict on accident, like i often do to Gillie, but inflict with intention and purpose). And as long as I actually am protected, I often times will have no idea what the possible outcome could have been have not the original pain been inflicted. Don't get me wrong; I do not think that God creates evil - that would be an impossible juxtaposition of his very nature. But pain and evil are not the same thing, although at times they may feel that way.
This lesson is one that you never want to learn, or teach, for that matter. As the Bible makes several analogies between earthly parents and our Heavenly Father when it comes to loving, providing, disciplining, etc., I am sure that as I experience my own love and striving for my daughter, I will come to know and appreciate God's love and provision even more. I am looking forward to this journey of parenting for many reasons. One of them is coming to see the nature of God more clearly.