Tuesday, September 4, 2007

"Two women looked through prison bars; One saw mud, the other saw stars"

Last night i was talking with Britta. She asked me if i had any good Christian books that i might recommend. As i have tried to un-do my past habit of reading only Christian "self-help" books, only one came to my mind. Calm my Anxious Heart written by Linda Dillow, is a book i often recommend to women. It is amazing. I haven't read it for about 6 years, and as i was telling Britta about it, i thought that i should take another peek at it myself. Wow, it was a good reminder for me.

When we first arrived to Gurnee, i was trying to make the best of my time here, telling myself that there are great things here and wonderful opportunities. Eventually i just let myself admit that i think that this place is nasty and i am unhappy and want to leave... better to just not lie to myself... But Landon has noticed "you've been complaining a lot more lately," and i don't want to ever be the wife that would drive her husband to choose the corner of his own roof over her presence.

Yeah, i have been overwhelmed with balancing both of my jobs. And it has been hard because one of the jobs lives in my house - its eyes follow me around as i try to create some time for myself or my time with Landon. Yeah, it just provokes me from my living room, with a guilt that i have things undone that need to be done... I just have a hard time leaving work at work, when work is at home. Not that i'm working 80 hours a week, but i just can't keep work off of my mind because it is always there, waiting to be tackled. And this on top of other responsibilites has created a tiny stress cloud that i am usually pretty unfamiliar with (i'm pretty easy going, wouldn't you say?) And anxiety can easily create in me a discontentedness, a unhappiness.

Reading over my underlined part was good to remind me that my anxiety should be used as a springboard for prayer (p26), that if i am treading through worry, then i am not living a life of trusting God. yeah, somehow trusting God has been more difficult for me after my year in Africa...but i cannot deny or escape his faithfulness. If i am experiencing discontentment, it is not something that i can blame on my circumstances; it comes from within myself - it is a "feeling" that i honestly choose, not one that i have no choice but to fall into.

Joy - was something i learned about after the shooting. Joy is not happiness, it's deeper, it's truer. Happiness is what you feel as a result from circumstances - coffee makes me happy, i am happy when it snows, i am less happy when i am sick, etc... Joy - is a much greater thing. Joy is constant, it is deeper, and it is not determined on what is happening in my life. Joy is the state of my heart (or is it really my mind?) because of the deep knowledge that i know and am known by God. Joy comes from the knowledge and love of God (I think). So my joy should never waver, as God is always at work in my life, loving me and bringing me to a greater knowledge of him. Wow, what i have in Christ is JOY!!! When my life in Christ is the source of my joy, the idea of waiting for happiness to happen is rediculous - happiness by circumstance is hugely trivial compared to the joy i experience always in God.

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