parenting, pain, and God

Sunday I accidentally cut Gillian while I was trimming her finger nails. I have done this before. This time it didn't bother her at all; she didn't even flinch. But it was on the thumb of her left hand, so everything she touched got blood on it. My kid and her toys were covered in little red streaks and spots. Gosh, it killed me to see her smiling back at me with blood on her nose and lips and cheeks as she tried to force her entire fist into her perfect itty bitty mouth.

And she has had a hard time falling asleep these last few days (read screaming for 2 hours during nap time) because she always sucks on her left thumb to soothe herself to sleep and right now it just hurts too much to suck and upsets her even more than her exhaustion already has. And I know it is all my fault for my carelessness and it makes me sad.

On Sunday, when realized I had cut her I told her, "Baby, I am so sorry, but I had to cut your fingernails so you won't cut yourself."

The irony in that sentence hit me.

And I realized that this is why I do a lot of things that hurt her - so that she won't get hurt. Ha!

I clasp her into her backpack so she doesn't fall out and crack her head open, but I pinch her skin in the process.

I let strangers give her immunizations so that she doesn't get sick later, even though she is in pain in that moment and is sore all the next day.

And thinking of this has made me wonder what pains God must inflict in my life in order to protect me from a greater pain (not inflict on accident, like i often do to Gillie, but inflict with intention and purpose). And as long as I actually am protected, I often times will have no idea what the possible outcome could have been have not the original pain been inflicted. Don't get me wrong; I do not think that God creates evil - that would be an impossible juxtaposition of his very nature. But pain and evil are not the same thing, although at times they may feel that way.

This lesson is one that you never want to learn, or teach, for that matter. As the Bible makes several analogies between earthly parents and our Heavenly Father when it comes to loving, providing, disciplining, etc., I am sure that as I experience my own love and striving for my daughter, I will come to know and appreciate God's love and provision even more. I am looking forward to this journey of parenting for many reasons. One of them is coming to see the nature of God more clearly.

God so loved the WHOLE WORLD...

Awhile ago, the intern at our church preached about salvation for the whole world. And as I was sitting there, I started thinking about the world and the state that it is in. I started thinking about my role in the world as one who already knows the truth and lives in the freedom that Christ's grace provides. And then I started thinking about our baby.

The realization that God sent his only son to save my daughter still brings me to tears. Her salvation is more important to me than anything else that I could hope for her life. And I am overwhelmed in humility that not only is God creating her and caring for her in her developing state, not only does he love her more than I am ever capable, but he already has a plan for her life where he could be center if she chooses him to be.

I am so amazed. I am humbled that God came for ALL, not just for me or for America or for this world, but even for our baby. 

Knowing in Mystery

 

The day is fast approaching. In 48 hours I will know more about our Little Baby. Learning the sex of our baby is so much more than knowing which colors to choose for a nursery or which clothes to buy. It’s choosing a name and imagining a future for our child, and beginning the process of knowing this little person that we already so dearly love.

I have been excited this whole month knowing that this day would arrive.

This morning I awoke with a realization that the mysterious formation of our growing baby is gradually being discovered. Now that I am feeling it moving (very seldom, but still), and we will know more of who this little person is and will be, the mysterious life of our child is being brought into the light, and the unknown graduatlly being known.

And this is great. This is what I have been hoping for – to know something about this little one.

But there is something sacred and precoius in knowing that the ONLY knowledge that I really have is that God knows this child fully and is creatively and mightily constructing our baby in every second of every day - even though it is all a mystery to me. And trusting in that has brought me much peace in the mystery. I still know that no matter how much I discover about our child as it grows and developes, that truth remains the same: that this child is God's child more than it will ever be mine.

  

The Faithful vs. the Reasonable

I've been wanting to blog on this for months now. And this will NOT even graze the issue, but I want to address it anyway.

Here in Salt Lake City, the religious vs. non-religious dichotomy is numbing. The religious culture and the anti/non religious cultures are the two predominant cultures here in the city. One is a backlash from the other. In Kaysville (where we lived our first year here), we lived in a town that was highly Mormon. I never even saw a different culture besides the religious, except that I felt that I didn't belong.

Here is how the two predominant cultures seem to view each other:
There are "religious" people (Mormons) who are seen by most as boring and judgmental and only care about money, trends, procreation, and each other. On the other end of the spectrum, there are the environmentalists - those who perceived as staunch atheists, a backlash from the Mormon culture who care only for parties, green living, and social reform. One group is "Faith" the other, "Reason", and there is no overlap without compromise and lack of devotion.

I am personally very committed to both faith and to reason and can not understand or achieve one without the other (not the "Faith" and "Reason" categories mentioned above, but actual faith and reason). I don't understand how the majority of the people here will pursue faith and reject reason or pursue reason without any compulsion to believe.

At work, a coworker and I were talking. She asked me about my cross-cultural experience. I told her I was a missionary. "But you have a nose ring," she said. "Are you still religious?" I explained to her that I was not on a Mormon mission. I told her that I believe in evolution, environmental stewardship, and a loving Christian God. "So in other words," she said, "you believe in a God with intelligence?" I was so surprised that my version of belief was so far-fetched to her.

Is it really impossible for people to see that there is the possibility of a Creator who loves us and whose glory is revealed in his unique and diverse creation of which we are made stewards? That he is the same in his love and forgiveness as he is in his power and justice? Is it too impossible to believe in a supreme deity that wants us to ask questions always, arriving at a true belief - one that is not blind or coerced? I do not believe in "blind faith". Our God is so real, that knowledge of him can be achieved with eyes wide open, with deep prodding questions. 

Neither "Faith" nor "Reason" should be clung to blindly in retaliation of the other.

This quote was in the sermon at our church a few weeks ago. I can't stop thinking about it.

Worship is the submission of all our nature to God. It is the quickening of conscience by His holiness, nourishment of mind by His truth, purifying of imagination by His beauty, opening of the heart to His love, and submission of will to His purpose. All this gathered up in adoration is the greatest of all expressions of which we are capable.

-Archbishop William Temple

as quoted by Ravi Zaccharias in his book, 

"Can Man Live Without God"

His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches over me

(photo by Saul Granda)

You know that things have been kind of tricky for us over the past few years. I love my work with ACSl's Sponsorship program and have been committed to it for over four years. However, when I started working from home over 3 years ago, we found ourselves without health insurance so I picked up a part time job at Starbucks for our two years in Illinois.

When we relocated here we had the same problem (no health insurance). Instead of my getting a part time insured job (which drove us both semi crazy previously), I enjoyed the mountains and leisurely days working from home. I am grateful that in our 18 months here in Utah, we have never had to test our catastrophic health insurance.

Last December I was informed that my program was going to be ending and I needed to start looking for another job. This job search has been going on for nine months and is finally at an end. Last month, I was offered a full time job at the Aviary, which will include health benefits. (yay yay yay yay :::happy dance:::)

And I am just amazed at God's provision and timing. In all of this time, we have never been without one thing that we have needed. My contract with ACSl ends at the end of this month, and my full time job doesn't begin until January 3. Our health insurance expires in January as well.

I can't believe that we will return home from Christmas to a full time job with health benefits.  (and this story of provision is only on my side of the spectrum with important details left out - the story of how God has provided for us in the way of Landon's schooling is even more incredible!)

God's loving provision is so steadfast. I found myself frustrated and distrusting a few times during this job search, and regardless of my lack of faith and attempts of self reliance, God continued to provide for us during the search until now. He continually humbles me with his love. I am so grateful to be the daughter of such a powerful, faithful, and loving Heavenly Father.

Don't be afraid; just believe

Yesterday morning during my Bible reading in Mark,  I came across this verse that I never took much note of before.

Many of us may recall the woman who touched the cloak of Jesus and was healed from her lifetime of bleeding because of her faith. Well, do you remember that she touched Jesus among a huge crowd of people who were following Jesus as he accompanied the "synagogue ruler", Jairus, to his house to heal his dying daughter? Along the way, the woman touched Jesus and her faith healed her. Jesus spoke to the woman and then continued on to help his man's daughter. Men rushed to Jairus and said, "Your daughter is dead, why bother the teacher any more?"

Jesus ignored these men and turned to Jairus and said, "Don't be afraid; just believe." (Mark 5:36)

He then goes to this man's home and raises his twelve year old daughter from the dead.

Yesterday I received an email informing me that I didn't get the job at the Ouelessebougou Alliance. I was in major dismay, as I am now working only part time at ACSI, which is very little pay (i NEED a job NOW!) and I thought that this job with the Alliance was perfect for me. I was already very emotionally invested into the organization and very excited about possibly working for them. I guess my mind-frame was that the job was already mine. Which was foolish, I see. This position would have utilized all my skills and experience and fits my passions and my heart so perfectly; I still can not imagine something better. I was so frightful - if this position is not for me, then what is?

And after I received the email from the Alliance, and after I sifted through these thoughts, the thing that came to my mind was what Jesus had said to Jairus when the men told him that his daughter was dead, "don't be afraid; just believe."

Although my faith and my trust are not always steadfast, my God is.
I will not be afraid.

Back to the Book

I've been searching online for online Bible reading guides or devotionals. I sifted through a few devotionals and decided to reject them - I really don't want to be reading other peoples' thoughts about the Bible right now, I simply want to read God's Word - alone and nonscrutanized. I've been doing a bad job at this lately. I'm good with a schedule. If I can put together each day within a schedule, I will actually go running 3 miles and read my Bible....but I've been without this discipline this summer.

The last few days I have really been convicted of this. Landon and I rented  "The Book of Eli". It's the kind of movie that I don't usually like with the dreary colors and the end-of-the-world feeling of doom. I'm afraid to write too much about it in case you are inspired to rent it. But the book of Eli is actually the Holy Bible. And the words within give great power to those who have treasured them in their hearts. And I know that this is actually true, not just some plot for a killer Denzel flick.

And last night at The Rock we were reading Matthew 4 about when Christ was led into the desert and tempted by Satan. And the teacher pointed out that Christ defends himself with scripture. He defeats Satan and overcomes temptation by using the Torah scriptures that he studied in his Jewish upbringing - the Words of God which are in the Bible.

After all, in Ephesians 6, in order to stand up against the Devil's schemes, Paul introduces the believer to the Armor of God and in all of our holy armor, the only method of offensive attack that he gives us is "the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God"(17).

I do desire to be a hearer, learner and do-er of God's Words which are in the Bible. It is harder these days because there are so many excuses and ways to keep busy. Yet, I know that there is no greater way to draw nearer to God than through meditating on his Word and prayer. I am grateful that God has given me everything that I need to know him more.

Consider the lilies...

(photo by stt1119)

I've been sitting here, looking out of my window, taking in this fresh Spring morning. I'm watching two colorful little birds fluttering in this tree. They sing the prettiest songs. And I can't believe how green the grass has gotten in just the last few days with our last snow storm watering them green. And I see the birds fly over my house, soaring, relaxed, magnificent, below the cirrus clouds and otherwise blue sky.

I'm contemplating my employment situation. I have applied for about 30-40 jobs since March. My inbox is full of emails indicating that these positions are full or I am no longer being considered. And I've caught myself in a bit of fear. When I dwell on this, I find myself under a heavy burden of being the provider for our family, especially since I only have a few months left with my current job. But I know that fear and worry is fruitless when I am a child of a loving and living God.

And as I watch the carefree song and flight of the birds, and see the grass return to it's splendid green, I am reminded of one of Jesus' promises from Luke 12: 22-32:

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?

Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his spendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.

Do not be afraid, little flock, for the Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom...

Remembering "Good" Friday

I read this a month ago and wanted to share it with you. It's another one of Buechner's gems. I've been waiting until today to share. I hope you are moved as you remember Christ.

"God so loved the world," John writes, "that he gave his only son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life." That is to say that God so loved the world that he gave his only son even to his obscene horror; so loved the world that in some ultimately indescribable way and at some ultimately immeasurable cost he gave the world himself.

Out of this terrible death, John says, came eternal life not just in the sense of resurrection to life after death but in the sense of life so precious even this side of death that to live it is to stand with one foot already in eternity. To participate in the sacrificial life and death of Jesus Christ is to live already in his kingdom. 

This is the essence of the Christian message, the heart of the Good News, and it is why the cross has become the chief Christian symbol. A cross of all things - a guillotine, a gallows - but the cross at the same time as the crossroads of eternity and time, as the place where such a mighty heart was broken that the healing power of God himself could flow through it into a sick and broken world. 

It was for this reason that of all the possible words they could have used to describe the day of his death, the word they settled on was "good". Good Friday.

and He always does...

Yesterday a young man rang my door bell asking me to buy magazine subscriptions to send him to school. He showed me a picture of his 2 year old daughter. His hands were very cold. He wore a perpetual smile and a retainer which slurred his speech. With the highway noise in front of my house I had a very difficult time hearing him. I wanted to invite him inside my house where it was quiet and warm. But I didn't - I hate that we're not supposed to do those kind of things these days - can't trust anybody, I've been told. I told him that right now i'm putting my husband through school and I wouldn't be interested in buying any magazines. I felt awful. I still do - can you tell? As my husband says, I'm such a sucker.

There is a man that I see sitting outside of the 7-11 a lot at night. Whenever I go to the RedBox, he is always sitting there on the concrete. Last night I saw him and instead of walking past him, I stopped and asked him if I could get him anything. He called me sweetie or dear or one of those endearments and told me "no thank you". Which surprised me, because it was cold and he looked very ragged and in need of something. I got Landon and I a little candy for our movie viewing (by the way, "2012" is a terrible movie), and left. As I was walking to my car, the old man told me to have a good night. I wished him one also and slid onto my heated seats, turned on the satellite radio and cruised on home.

I'm overwhelmed today with God's provision of material needs and comforts in our life. Landon has the opportunity and privilege of pursuing his education as far as it will take him. That is a big deal. We are able to stay warm, eat plentifully, and enjoy entertainment and recreation without having to work weekend jobs anymore, or having to sacrifice other things. Sometimes I get frustrated because we are not as well off as I wish we were. When we don't have the money for medical insurance enough to have kids, or whatever else the need or desire is at the time. But when it comes down to it, we are sitting fat and happy here in Utah. I am so grateful that no matter what our life circumstances, it is God that provides for our every need. and he always does.

a lesson from the Deut

(photo by John Wilcox)

I was reading Deuteronomy this morning as the sun rose, muted by our continuing snow storm (yay!). Warm cup of coffee, flannel-lined khaki's, fleece socks and fuzzy slippers have been keeping me warm today while "the weather outside is frightful!"

But I wanted to share with you a little bit from my reading today, if I may. At the beginning of Deut, we find Moses leading the Israelites after the Exodus from Egypt, to the land that God promised to them. Yet, when God told them to take possession of this land (by first destroying the Amorites), the Israelites "rebelled", and "grumbled" and concluded that "the LORD hates us" and desires to "destroy us" (1:27). And then Moses tells the Israelites something that continues to soothe and encourage me,

"Do not be terrified; do not be afraid of them. The LORD your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, and in the desert. There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place." (1:29-31)

I love this passage. And thus begins the theme in Deuteronomy that challenges and excites me: remembrance. Moses tells them to remember what the LORD did in Egypt, remember how he has provided for us until now. Remember, for many years, God provided for the Israelites: food, water, the 10 commandments, victory over all of their enemies, etc... And now they doubt him again (AGAIN!). If I could be a woman of remembrance, i think i could walk more confidently forward in my life. If i could hold on to God's promises and remember the life of Jesus, remember God's hand in my life, his healing, his provision, his glory that I have seen in countless lives of others.... God is the same: he is not changing: he is not a different God to Lindsey than he is to Maggie;  he is God.

After this encouraging testimony and reminder from Moses, the Israelites did not "trust in the LORD your God, who went ahead of you on your journey, in fire by night and in a cloud by day...to show you the way you should go." (1:32-33) So God chose not to give them the promised land. He only would allow Caleb who "followed the LORD wholeheartedly" and Joshua and those children who were too young to have moral calpability to enter into this land that he had promised.

So God leads the Israelites into the wilderness for 40 more years. Yikes! And even during this time,

 "The LORD your God has blessed you in all the works of your hands. He has watched over your journey through this vast desert...God has been with you, and you have not lacked anything."(2:7)

And I am encouraged, that even if i forget God's promises, and doubt his leading, he will still provide for me all that I need as I wait on his timing. He will give me that time (hopefully not 40 years, eh?) to acquire the faith to follow him to bring about what he had always intended for me.

When i got onto Facebook this morning and saw some of your status updates and read some blogs, i thought to myself that this is a truth that some of you might be encouraged by. I'm not a theologian, and I am especially inarticulate in these matters, but I hope that maybe you can read these passages for yourself (Deut 1 and 2) and remember his faithfulness and see God's provision and purpose during the waiting and transitional periods of your life.

The Visitation

I have been letting this post sit in my browser for a very long time this morning. I even published it on my blog and then quickly went back and deleted it. argh.  In the past i would just save it as a draft and never actually post it - but since earlier this week i have committed to sharing more of my heart, and by the encouragement of my husband (who actually hasn't read this yet - he's finishing writing a paper), i'm putting this out there for you to read. And there are some of you who "know that this church is true" to whom this may seem very offensive. but certainly know that you are just as dear to me, though maybe i may seem as more of a hopeless case to you.

(photo by Alex Mahan)

So we had our second visit with the Mormon missionaries last night. Both Landon and I were disappointed. I guess we just had such a large chunk of time with them last week and brought up some interesting topics, we were really looking forward to seeing them this week. But they came 30 minutes late, and then only had 30 minutes to go over lesson one with us until their next meeting with someone else.

It was kind of like tug-of-war. I mean, i read over that booklet they gave us really intently and wrote questions and found scripture references. Landon read it also. I guess as a Lit major in college, it bugs me when someone gives me a piece of literature for homework and then when we get together we just pretty much regurgitate and repeat the text. Those were the classes that i ditched in college - if we weren't going to elaborate on the writing then i had no point in going to class if i can read it myself and even do further study at home. It was like that. They were trying to go through the booklet and retell everything that we just read, and we  (actually Landon, i kept pretty quiet) were trying to ask questions and actually talk about what was in the booklet. So they would trudge along, trying to get everything in since we only had 30 minutes. but we wanted to get deeper. It was pretty fruitless. I enjoyed their company immensely - very sweet girls. But when they left, Landon said to me, "that was so frustrating" I agreed. Ha. I wonder how they felt.

Though I was really convicted because when we would bring up questions like, "but what about when the Bible says this" and they would say, "where?" and we look at each other and just said, "hmmm. i don't know". I felt awful that we weren't prepared in knowing our Bible references. Especially because these ladies were whipping out all these scriptures from both the Bible and the Book of Mormon. Maybe next time we will be better prepared. I wish we just had more time, so we could actually FIND those scriptures and talk about them. Maybe next time.

One thing that I have noticed about the Mormon faith, is that they heavily heed the feelings that they receive  as testimonies of truth. The booklet we read (and the women last night) encourage us to just read the Book of Mormon and pray to God to know if it is true. Then if we receive the "feelings" that Galations 5 talks about (being the fruits of the Spirit) then we know that we have a testimony of the truth of Joseph Smith's revelation or a truth about the Book of Mormon or whatever. The way that I've always understood the fruits of the Spirit is not that if you possess those "feelings" then you are receiving a testimony from the Spirit, but rather, that if you possess the Spirit, then those fruits will be revealed IN you. Just like in John when it says that "they will know us by our love" for each other (love being a fruit).  Anyways.... one of the sisters quoted from memory the story of Joseph Smith's revelation from the book of Mormon (this is actually a part of the Book of Mormon that i have read several times - though i haven't read much else) and afterward she asked us if we received any feelings about it.

And while she was quoting this story of both God and Jesus Christ revealing themselves to Joseph Smith to answer his question about which church is the right church, i did have deep feelings in the pit of my stomach rising up through my chest. I did get a knot in my throat. And I definitely think it was from the Spirit. Yet, I think it was a flush of heat and unease as a warning, not as a confirmation.

Ever since I started getting in deeper relationships and involvement with our local ward and my sweet Mormon neighbors, I have been cautious. I am constantly praying that God will continually reveal to me his Truth, and give me huge sensitivity and discernment when it comes to false teaching and prophecy. And I think he has been faithful to answer my prayers (i guess I am trusting in receiving "feelings" from God also, in a way - I think that testimonies of the Spirit are one way that we can know that God is revealing something to us. But I think it must not be the only way).

Of course, my greatest desire is to know God. In order to know him, i must seek him by finding truth and knowing truth. If Joseph Smith's revelation about Christ is true, then it is what i want. But so far, I can not see it as true. And I can not imagine a world where i will ever regard Joseph Smith's revelation as a restoration of Christ's atoning ministry.

The Need to Praise

photo by Robyn Walsh

I could see at least for a moment how if you ever took truly to heart the ultimate goodness and joy of things, even at their bleakest, the need to praise someone or something for it would be so great that you might even have to go out and speak of it to the birds of the air.

Frederick Buechner, "The Need to Praise"

I was having "Hannah time" today and was really struck by this while i was reading bits of Buechner. And it was a good reminder. Man, my attitude is so crappy lately. I'm sure i can find more to be grateful for and so many praiseworthy things in life besides financial and material provision in this scary time (of this i have been overwhelmingly and constantly SO THANKFUL for - especially as i see many many friends and coworkers desperately struggling...). Today i was praying that God would bring someone to speak some encouraging truth into my life - i have been so discouraged lately. I just asked him to minister to me and for my heart to be open to that ministry (i'm sure he brings those instances into my life often and i don't even see them because i am so consumend in other things). And i'm not sure if it was Buechner's writing that God had intended to be my minister, but either way, i was blessed by this truth today....and many others.

i grew to love the Nature of god

God exists quietly.

When I sit still and contemplate
the breeze that moves upon me
I can hear Him.

For hours I would lay
flat upon the meadows
stare at the
endless field of blue sky
and revel in
the divine placement of all things.

I would walk alone
in the woods and let my mind wander
freely, stumble across theories
on the origins of myself
and all things...

I grew to love the
Nature of god.
I knew Him best not in churches, but
alone with the sun shining on me through the trees.

It birthed a space in me
that would continue to
crave the sacred
and demand sanctity
as my life took flight
and lit out to travel
the world.

It has grounded me
and held me steady
in the strong winds
that have carried me
so far from
where i have been...

written by Jewel, God Exists Quietly


I keep thinking about the sadness i felt as we drove east on I-70 Monday. I realized we were reaching the edge of the mountains - the trees were changing from lodge-pole pines to ponderosa-pines and were no longer snow-covered. I bid the mountains good-bye (i think i even said it out loud!) and held back tears. As we departed the foothills and looked at the mountains behind us, Landon remarked on the beauty of the clouds. You know the ones - that are so dark that they look almost purple with the sun shining behind them, but are made magnificent by the gold lining. And i said, "it looks like we're leaving heaven". and that's exactly how i felt.


we skiied 4.5 miles sunday afternoon to a hut in the middle of trees and mountains - nothing else. and while i was there, i was so incredibly happy. i felt SO FREE. and i felt God there. I too easily disregard him in my busy hum drum daily life here in illinois (so easily, that i hardly even realize it!). well, i make it that way - my fault. i'm crazy-distracted and quite honestly, burdened. when i am not working, i think of work all the time. i have difficulty enjoying my down-time because i know that i could be working. After all, i AM sitting at my desk with student profiles sitting beneath my book of poetry, and i still have word documents that i was composing for sponsors open behind my internet browser and even though it's Saturday and i spent the first 8 hours of my day running around like a crazy woman at Starbucks, i really should be working anyway. the boundaries are confusing.

but when i was up there - there was nothing but me, the mountains, god, and family (well, and chicken parmesan with red wine). and life was made SO simple, and SO beautiful. and i just wish i could live life like that more. i wish i could see God in every moment, as he most definitely is. I wish that i could cherish the most important things about life with my whole heart and REALLY soak them in and understand them and praise God for them instead of compromising them with a brush-over so that i can get just a bit more done before the end of the day.

perspective

Every once in awhile i write a post and save it only as a draft - for a couple of reasons. Sometimes, just not sure if i want all eyes on my thoughts on a certain issue (you notice the typical lightness of my topics), sometimes re-evaluating my motives for a post, and other reasons. This is one such post.

Yesterday i was in a LONG line at the bank - i was there for 30 minutes! Our bank is in the lower-income part of town (i like to call it the "ghetto" but it isn't exactly a ghetto). Friday was pay day, and Christmas is in less than 2 weeks. People were frantic to deposit and withdraw cash. The couple in front of me wanted to withdraw cash even though they did not have the funds in their account - what is that, denae - a cash advance or something? They were desperate for the cash and the lady had to deny them because they had a cash advance (or whatever it is called) only two weeks prior.

When i got back to the store, there was a lady waiting at the bus stop outside of starbucks with a grocery cart full of groceries. I thought that if she was still there when i got off that i should offer to drive her and her groceries home.

Two weeks ago a man confronted me in the grocery store parking lot at night asking me for money. I made him come into the store with me before i would open my purse for him - but i gave him all the cash i had which was VERY little. He was discouraged.

The store next door was robbed a few weeks ago.

Starbucks is cutting hours majorly. Our partners aren't working enough to support themselves. They come to work with dirty aprons and are freezing in our drive-thru window - almost all of my partners have caught cold in the last 3 weeks since the temps have plummeted. I ask them to wash their aprons and think about buying some long-sleeve shirts to wear to work. They explain to me that they can't even afford money for Christmas gifts, let alone weekly laundry and new clothes.

I am surrounded by people in desperation living from pay check to pay check and on top of it all, are burdened by the desire (or pressure) to be buying gifts for loved ones. To have a "good" Christmas.

I think of them and their hurting and am so grateful for the steady income that provides Landon and i with the opportunity to pay our bills, eat, AND purchase gifts for those we love. perspective.

I also think about our Christmas in Africa. We were without the commercialism of Christmas in the States. We didn't have a Christmas tree. We decided not to buy gifts for each other. Instead, only bought chickens for friends so they could have a richer celebration with their families. And we spent Christmas morning with the orphans, and afternoon eating potatoes and pies with other missionaries. And we were surrounded by people in far greater poverty than those we live near here, yet they celebrated Christmas and anticipated it with amazing joy. They celebrated Christmas with praise to God for his greatest gift - for becoming man and joining us, loving us, and sacrificing his own life for us so that we could live in joy and wholeness despite what we have lost or are without in our lives. They knew that in having Christ, we have everything - there is nothing greater. And celebrating Christmas with that perspective was so refreshing and humbling and honest and joyous and beautiful.

Being in America and seeing the greed and despair of our culture during this most precious celebration is heartbreaking. But it is there, and there is only one Hope.

a light has dawned

The people walking in darkness
have seen a great light;
on those living in the land of the
shadow of death
a light has dawned...
For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his
shoulders.
And he will be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Isaiah 9:2,6

Remembering Christ this Christmas

With Christmas approaching, I try to direct my reading toward what would cause reflection of Christ. During this season i want to keep Christ in his place. My thoughts often are and should not be on what i am buying whom and if there is snow and my eagerness to be back in Colorado.

Haha, the truth that God so clearly spoke to me over the Thanksgiving holiday is already easily forgotten 10 days later. Christmas is about him. It is about remembering and praising HIM.

Anything i can read/do/sing that will help me to keep this focus during the many distractions and commercial world that i live and work in, is something that i need. Maybe you are challenged in the same way. Here are some thing i've thought of that may encourage us both.

I've been reading Francine River's "Lineage of Grace" series. Francine Rivers is one of my favorite novelists of all time. There are 5 books in this series. Each book focuses on one of the 5 women in the lineage of Christ: Tamar, Bathsheba, Rahab, Ruth, and Mary. Of course, this is historical and biblical fiction, but fiction nontheless. Though in the back of each book, Rivers includes the scriptures that she used to weave her story and she challenges her readers to find the truth for themselves. Each of the novelas are very short - i've been able to complete one on a plane ride or within my lunch hour during a week of work.

One of the most meaningful guided Bible studies i've ever done is "Jesus the one and only" by Beth Moore. If any of you know anything about Beth Moore, you probably agree that she is an anointed teacher of scripture. I've done a few of her studies - they are so amazing. This one i've done a few times. The first time with a dear friend and accountability partner as we were anticipating Easter in 2004. The second time during our year in Kenya. This is a 10 week study with accompanying videos (which i never do because i can't afford - but maybe a local church's womens ministry would let you borrow them). The first 2 weeks are entitled "The Word Made Flesh" and "The Son of God". it would be worth it just to go through these 2 chapters in the next two weeks if you so desire.

I just really need some inspiration and something to encourage self-discipline (i certainly struggle with that) in keeping my heart and mind on Christ amidst all the other wonderful joys of Christmas. What do you do to "keep Christ in Christmas" in your hearts?